Dear Diary,

Mood: apathetic

My world is spiraling into a dark abyss…I’m likely failing all my classes…and I don’t care. Feels like a waste for me to be in them since with the exception of English and Math, I don’t really need the other two. Go figure. God, I hate that bitch-tits councilor who convinced me to go and register for my prerequisites for an Associates of Arts degree. I said ‘Basics’, but that’s what I get for being a procrastinator/ someone who seriously doesn’t give a shit.

Eh, I got a major research paper due on Friday for Art Appreciation…I’ve yet to get a book on his life, but I did find a matching bra for my Halloween outfit. Still on the search for the panties and the backup shorts to keep me modest in front of my boyfriend’s niece.

I’m going as Alice from Wonderland. Was gonna go as a pirate, but the internet and the ‘skanky’ section of the costume stores are a bad influence and a blessing. I’m getting pictures….and I’ll be flashing my ass around for the witches and spirits this upcoming eve. Woot.

Had my birthday this past Wednesday. Likely the best birthday I’ve ever had. Mom was insistent that she would shield me from Satan with his demonic candles and tasty cake goodness hell-bent on swaying me away from God with a vengeance worth a thousand suns. So Trey and I decided to hang out the day before. His day off, my day off….we went to an arcade and shot at dinosaurs. Then we did a petshop adventure to find a new house for my fish. Went to Barnes and Nobel and just went through books. We managed to throw in a tasty dinner at my fav asian restaurant. Next day, I had class, and I asked Trey to come to my college campus and hang out with myself and a few hippie friends. He did. I can die in peace. I went home, mom and two family friends and I went to see Miracle at St. Anna.

A short note to Spike Lee. FUCK YOU. I thought the movie was going to be more about fantasy and the mystical adventure of black solders in Europe. Transported or some bullshit. Holy fucking Moses. Your fucking trailer was misleading. Who knew? Most often a trailer will tell us the whole story…I was completely raped from behind and donkey punched. WTF!? Overall, aside from advertising issues, the movie was a different concept, interesting sense of Justice. Not gonna say it was something extraordinary, but it was satisfactory.

I will say that my favorite cinematic adventure so far has been with Trey and Hannah to see Sexdrive. Holy shit, that movie was great! I couldn’t stop laughing. It was so obnoxious and sarcastic, it hit home for me and Trey. I thought Superbad was pretty funny, this one did a better job in my book. Go see it. You’ll be worthless if you don’t.

Hannah was in town for a week. For those of you who don’t know, Hannah is my best friend, since Kindergarten to which I have her name tattooed below my hip. She is currently serving overseas. She’s my ghetto sistah. I love her. Her dad had a heartattack and so she came in on short leave to see him taken cared of. He’s doing good and making a full recovery. She might’ve found herself a husband. I’m thrilled for her. She’s given the approval on Trey, and aside from a few hookah nights, we enjoyed the small bit of time together. I’ll be glad when she’s back in December.

So a strange thing happened to me earlier this week. I woke up, same as usual. Went to school. Went to the blankets, and a guy who I had been flirting with came by, and I felt nothing. It was this same morning that I had managed to talk to an old friend from back in Highschool. I got on the topic of Trey and couldn’t shut up. Kinda hard these days to make me shut up when I’m talking about him. She paused me and told me how I was ‘glowing’. And damnit, I was. When a handsome man will walk past me and I acknowledge his physical beauty, I just kinda brush off the aestheticness of it and keep on going. That’s it.

I’ve not had sex since I met Devin (who is married now and has a beautiful baby girl, congrats, hun!) And for those close to me, they know that Trey is a virgin and is waiting to be in love before he pushes the boundary. I am in full support of him, cause it’s an amazing show of self control as well as a respect for whoever the lucky girl will be. I’ll keep wishing it will be me, but I won’t expect it. Being with him, I find myself wanting to be a better person. I find myself becoming such when I’m around him. My mom is picking up hints, but I’ve not come clean seeing as she can’t open her eyes to the possibilities that her baby girl is pulling away from her faith and structure of purity within her household.

Trey is an amazing person. He’s the support I’ve needed. In honesty, he reminds me of my dad. Only, he laughs more, is more open to the magic and the different beliefs and fantasies I’m into, and he’s more of a dork. But my goddess, it’s just like for whom I’ve prayed for. I wanted an emotional relationship, a real one, something that I would learn from and become a better person from. Even if me and him couldn’t make it as a couple, I know we’ll still be friends. We don’t argue or disagree, we just somehow make it into a comedy and deal with what comes. Something about him calms me and assures me that the future will be worth it. That my trials will come and go and I will grow stronger.

I’m in love with him. I want to tell him, but it’s too early. I’m waiting. I want to see him when he’s angry and when he allows himself to fall into that mindset so that I learn to love him for all that he is. His wonderful qualities seemed endless. Aside from his egotistical bullshit, which is funny as hell and somehow gets me smiling, he’s too good to be true. I don’t want to fuck it up. I’m trying to be myself and not be weird, but fuck, everything seems to want to go to pieces.

It sucks that now I’m still in the search of finding my nitch, trying to figure out what path I’m headed. I’m trying to improve myself and daily decisions seems to be an endless tug of war. I need to stop worrying about the petty and decide my priories. I need to get my head on track.

Le sigh. Wish me luck. And good luck to you guys with all your tribulations. I’m rooting for you, even if I don’t say it. You’re all in my prayers to the goddess. Merry Samhain!

May the new year bring blessings to us all!

Oh…and a very merry unbirthday to you!
-Sel-

This message is brought to you by Sel-chan, your local neighborhood weirdo!